Email to Wedding Venue, Draft 14

Dear Sir,

Hey there, pal!

Happy Late Turkey Day! Gobble, gobble!

Hi [Name],

Wow, can you believe it's December already?!

Thank you so much

Thanks again for giving us a tour showing us the place around two freaking weeks ago. [Does it sound like I'm talking to a realtor?]

I don't want to sound like a bridezilla but you said you'd email a proposal and a quote the Friday before Thanksgiving and yet here it is already December 3 and I have received no proposal. WHERE'S MY PROPOSAL, MAN??

DO I SEEM LIKE A PATIENT PERSON TO YOU??!!

Just wanted to check in, make sure you didn't forget about us, ha-ha!

Bill and I both really liked the place but I'm kind of getting a vibe like you're not that into it. Did you just not like us that much, or....

We came on too strong, didn't we? We always do that. Stupid, stupid!

I'm sorry. Let's start over.

I'm sweating so much right now.

Just wanted to check in see if you're still alive those dates in October are still available and also invite you to hang out with us sometime. Have you seen The Hunger Games yet? and talk about our feelings a few details.

Kay, smooches for now!

Thanks bunches!

Let me know ... or else!!!!! lol JK.

Thanks!

C-Dazzle

Carrie


And after about seven more drafts, I'll probably send it! (Unless you think it sounds too pushy?)

Hitched on the Cheap

I didn’t get crazy about wedding stuff until The Anxiety descended upon me. I turned 24 in January and suddenly it was urgent that I go to the dentist, start a retirement fund, and plan my entire wedding before getting engaged.* You know, for tax breaks. 

Basically I've got a fever. Not for weddings in particular but for CONTROL.

Of course, my enthusiasm cooled a little once I found out how much a wedding costs. Apparently married people really need that tax break, since they've already promised their first-born child to a tent rental company. I started peeking at prices with a $10,000 budget in mind, and even though average wedding costs are almost triple that amount, it turns out I can have a very nice wedding indeed for $10,000. Only we can't afford for anyone to attend, including the groom and me. 

Ghost wedding. 

One evening a few months ago I casually asked Bill what kind of wedding he would maybe sorta hypothetically want, and he said, “Let’s spend as little money as poss—as little as practical."

And that is one reason Bill is the guy fer me. Plus, he will be the quintessential old man. 

So, with the goal of spending as little as practical, here are our ideas for a budget-friendly wedding:

• Dress: Wrap myself in tulle and aluminum foil and waddle down the aisle. When people start laughing, I’ll shout, “It’s couture!”
• Suit: Bill can wear pajamas if he wants; no one pays attention to the groom. I went to a wedding once where the groom didn’t even show up. Nobody noticed. Lovely ceremony.
• Rings: Twist-ties. Boom. Done.
• Officiant: One perk of living among the Amish is that Lancaster County issues self-uniting marriage ceremonies. As long as two people show up to witness our vows, we can do the whole thing ourselves. Here’s hoping we can find two people with nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon.
• Reception: Creative acquisition of foodstuffs. We'll hold a canned food drive and conveniently forget to deliver the cans to the charity. For the reception we’ll remove the labels and serve Canned Food Surprise. And since you’re not allowed to insult the bride at a wedding, everyone will be like, “Oh dahling, the water chestnuts and tomato paste were simply divine.” **
• Rehearsal dinner: Ramen and a case of Natty stolen from college dorms.
• Decorations/Transportation: Speaking of stealing, funerals seem a fine place to rent flowers and a limo.
• Napkins: Toilet paper. IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH TO WIPE YER ASS IT’S GOOD ENOUGH TO WIPE YER MOUTH. We will splurge on double-ply, though.
• Tablecloths: Fitted sheets. IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH TO COVER YER BED…you get the point.
• Tables/Chairs: Who do you think you are, the Queen of Sheba? Find yourself a picnic blanket, Your Highness.
• Music: Here I refuse to compromise. I will have that ABBA cover band, Bjorn Again, or I will not get married. That's a deal-breaker, ladies.

Total cost: $14.95. 

Notice I didn't include invitations in that list. That's because THIS IS YOUR INVITATION! OCTOBER 18, AMISH TOWN, TURN LEFT AT EZEKIEL STOLTZFUS' FARM AND DRIVE TWO MILES! IF YOU PASS THE OLD FENCE POST YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR! RSVP IN THE COMMENTS!!

SEE YOU THEN!!!!

*People say the same thing will happen re: babies when I turn 30, no matter how much I insist that I don't want any tiny humans around or inside my person. "You'll see," they say. Somehow my argument of YOU DON'T KNOW ME is strangely ineffective against their knowing smiles.
**And apparently we’re only inviting people from the 40's. 

Image via Theatre of Fashion.

Thanksgiving Break

Hello! We're back!

"Hooray!" they all said.

You have no way of knowing this, but we just spent the last week and a half traveling from Pennsylvania to New Jersey to Southern California and back again. We had a lovely time,* and between all current and future mothers, grandmothers, friends, and sisters, the wedding is pretty much entirely planned.

Well, maybe not quite. But we did banish Bill to the patio for most of the week so we could weigh the merits of chiffon versus organdy.

Topics of discussion/anxiety included:

• Our ballooning budget!
• Our growing guest list!
• Our disappointing decisions!
• The horrors of childbirth!
• Tacos!

I love weddings, but after a while I missed hanging out with Bill's friends, who mainly quote TV shows and talk about their facial hair. So refreshing. 

*I gained five pounds by Thursday evening and lost five pounds by Sunday night. A Thanksgiving miracle!


Image via Retro-A-Rama.

The Venue Search, Pt. II: This Time It's Personal

And so we continued on, leaving farmland behind for the bright lights and big dreams of Downtown Lancaster and Tellus360.

This place is so cool I can hardly talk about it. It's like a mullet: business in the front, party in the back. And I mean that literally - the front room is a cozy Irish pub where the chillest people work (and you know I don't throw the word "chill" around), while the back room has a stage and a giant disco ball and the speakers from U2's "Vertigo" tour. This room is used for concerts and dance parties and, of course, weddings. As if that wasn't enough, there's also a second floor with mismatched, antique couches artfully arranged all about, as well as a rooftop bar with a view of the many brick buildings of Lancaster. Majestic.

Our guide (also named Bill) gave us a tour and some ideas of what other people have done. I don't want to give anything away in case we decide to use them, but we spent the entire time looking at each other like this:

Basically, the place is awesome. It's right next door to a hotel so people wouldn't have to drive after the wedding, it's downtown so there's a ton to do, and it's more affordable than we thought it would be. So, yay! Also it's fun and quirky and they provide mismatched plates for events and everyone there is so nice. Almost uncomfortably so.

After our tour we pulled odd, high-backed chairs up to a tiny chess table to enjoy a (free!) lunch and discuss our choices. We foolishly forget to get any pictures of the actual building, but here I am pretending to fit in:

It's not working. Also featured: Bill's finger

The moment we sat down, I whipped out my notebook and dove right into a pro/con list, because that's how I do. By the time our sausage rolls arrived we were knee-deep in organization and rapidly coming to a conclusion.

"So...have we really decided?" I whispered excitedly.

The tiniest smile spread beneath Bill's beard. His eyes twinkled merrily as he gave a quick nod.*

AND SO IT IS DECIDED.**



*This is really how I think of him. Like a young St. Nick.
**Unless we come up with a better idea. But for now, it's decided.

The Venue Search, Pt. I

Yesterday we looked at two venues, and I am exhausted. Still. Partly because we foolishly went to the mall afterward, but mostly because when I meet strangers, I tend to focus too much on whether they like me. It wears me right out. So instead of being goofy and enthusiastic, I tried to seem cool and mysterious. This, I imagine, came off stranger than if I had just acted normally.

Do you find my swagger intimidating?

Anyway.

The first place we looked at was The Booking House, where we met the amiable, honorable, inimitable JP for a tour (I never found out if he has a last name or just letters). We took the scenic route there, through farmland and herds of sheep, over the railroad tracks until BAM! there it was. Right in the middle of a tiny, residential neighborhood. People gittin' murried down by the train tracks.

The Booking House is a sturdy, old building, a former cigar factory with exposed brick and dark wood. The owner bought the next-door warehouse for his contracting business, then decided to renovate the factory and use it as an event venue. We'd looked online at some other places with the same rustic-industrial thing goin' on, but none of the other ones were as chic or put-together as this. Bill especially appreciated the lack of distracting duct pipes we'd seen at another place. When we mentioned its name, JP informed us that another client went there for a tour, and a dead bat fell on her head! Which is fine for some events, but we haven't decided yet whether to release live doves or dead bats. It could go either way.

The place has three floors of pretty rooms with chandeliers and fireplaces: a mix of Cary Grant and Holly Golightly. On the third floor is a lounge called the Crow's Nest where the bride and groom can spy on their guests or relax in leather chairs and smoke cigars together. As all couples like to do. It also has an antique freight elevator for killa photo ops, as well as a large table made out of an old trap door, which I assume is for Serious Matrimonial Meetings. Or quick escapes.

We're always watching.

Pros:

• Pretty
• Table and chair rentals included in price
• No ugly pipes
• No dead bats
• Cigar Time

Cons:

• Only available Fridays or Sundays
• Secluded - no one can hear you scream

Up next: The Venue Search, Pt. II: This Time It's Personal

Image via Reel Hollywood Legends.

10 Questions to Ask Your Venue

Throughout the venue search, I've found that many places flaunt a devil-may-care attitude on their websites. Whatever you can dream up, we can do! they claim. You want a fire pit in a tree? You want seventeen Elvis impersonators to bucket-brigade you down the aisle? You want three actual walls in the reception hall and a metaphorical fourth wall? WE CAN DO IT!! FOR YOUR SPECIAL DAY!!!!!

Of course, they only make those claims because people don't really demand such outlandish things.

Enter Carrie.

In preparation for our first venue tours this Saturday, I have compiled a list of requests to see just how far these venues are willing to go to make this the day of my dreams, my one and only most precious wedding day.

1. We want to roast a shark on a spit. Can you make that happen?
2. Can we use live animals as centerpieces?
3. Can we use taxidermied animals as centerpieces?
4. Can we use taxidermied humans as centerpieces?
5. Can we have a taxidermist give a "live" presentation which the guests can then take home as favors?
6. Guests will be arriving by zeppelin. I trust you have your zeppelin docking facilities in working order.
7. In terms of our grand entrance, we were thinking:
   -Busby Berkeley-style rotating staircase
   -At the end of the ceremony, we will be chained together, weighted down, and locked in a tank full of water. This tank will be wheeled to the reception and displayed on the dance floor during cocktail hour (During this time, guests can come up and sign the tank - it doubles as our guest book!). Once everyone is seated for dinner, we will emerge unchained and fully dry in time for the first dance! Amazing!!
   -Maybe like a funny song?
8. Can we get an inverted pachyderm pyramid balanced on top of a regular pyramid made of elephant salt shakers?
9. Do you have any moral objections to dog fights?
10. You have flood insurance, right?

Image via tumblr.

Sweating for the Wedding

Welp, I've been engaged for three weeks now and so far nobody has dropped any subtle hints about a wedding diet. And really, why would they? I have a fantastic bod.* So what if I get winded getting out of the car? When you look this good, people say, "BMI? Try Be-MIne."**

Self-portrait, c. August 2014.

However, I won't deny that getting married is good motivation to act a little more grown-up and do all the things I keep meaning to, like get in shape and replace my toxic-smelling mascara and buy jeans that don't have an ink stain on the knee. I'm embarking on a new phase of life now; I want to live a long and healthy life with my future husband. Plus, in less than a year I will be on display in front of a hundred friends and family members, some of whom haven't seen me in years. What better time to indulge my vanity and set laughably unrealistic goals for myself?

[Full disclosure: As I type I am eating day-old fried chip-things left over from last night's Chinese takeout. So, good for me! It's an improvement over my usual afternoon snack - clumps of brown sugar!]

So stay tuned for workout routines, beauty tips, and updates on my struggles as I:

• Try to run
• Learn to put on eyeliner
• Refuse to sleep until I find the perfect lipstick
• Confront my demons
• Figure out what a thigh gap is
• Use my thigh gap to measure my worth
• Take up smoking to deal with the stress
• Eat nothing but grapefruit and dry salads for three days
• Walk into Five Guys on the fourth day and say, "Give me all the burgers and fries you have."
• Hide six boxes of donuts in my car
• Start a campaign to officially expand the definition of "vegetable" to include blue cheese
• Sob into a pan of bacon
• Maybe try out Pure Barre?

Here's to being healthy and beautiful, inside and out!


*Compared to a hobbit.
**Really, they say that. Seriously.


Image via Where is Pierre?