Hitched on the Cheap

I didn’t get crazy about wedding stuff until The Anxiety descended upon me. I turned 24 in January and suddenly it was urgent that I go to the dentist, start a retirement fund, and plan my entire wedding before getting engaged.* You know, for tax breaks. 

Basically I've got a fever. Not for weddings in particular but for CONTROL.

Of course, my enthusiasm cooled a little once I found out how much a wedding costs. Apparently married people really need that tax break, since they've already promised their first-born child to a tent rental company. I started peeking at prices with a $10,000 budget in mind, and even though average wedding costs are almost triple that amount, it turns out I can have a very nice wedding indeed for $10,000. Only we can't afford for anyone to attend, including the groom and me. 

Ghost wedding. 

One evening a few months ago I casually asked Bill what kind of wedding he would maybe sorta hypothetically want, and he said, “Let’s spend as little money as poss—as little as practical."

And that is one reason Bill is the guy fer me. Plus, he will be the quintessential old man. 

So, with the goal of spending as little as practical, here are our ideas for a budget-friendly wedding:

• Dress: Wrap myself in tulle and aluminum foil and waddle down the aisle. When people start laughing, I’ll shout, “It’s couture!”
• Suit: Bill can wear pajamas if he wants; no one pays attention to the groom. I went to a wedding once where the groom didn’t even show up. Nobody noticed. Lovely ceremony.
• Rings: Twist-ties. Boom. Done.
• Officiant: One perk of living among the Amish is that Lancaster County issues self-uniting marriage ceremonies. As long as two people show up to witness our vows, we can do the whole thing ourselves. Here’s hoping we can find two people with nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon.
• Reception: Creative acquisition of foodstuffs. We'll hold a canned food drive and conveniently forget to deliver the cans to the charity. For the reception we’ll remove the labels and serve Canned Food Surprise. And since you’re not allowed to insult the bride at a wedding, everyone will be like, “Oh dahling, the water chestnuts and tomato paste were simply divine.” **
• Rehearsal dinner: Ramen and a case of Natty stolen from college dorms.
• Decorations/Transportation: Speaking of stealing, funerals seem a fine place to rent flowers and a limo.
• Napkins: Toilet paper. IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH TO WIPE YER ASS IT’S GOOD ENOUGH TO WIPE YER MOUTH. We will splurge on double-ply, though.
• Tablecloths: Fitted sheets. IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH TO COVER YER BED…you get the point.
• Tables/Chairs: Who do you think you are, the Queen of Sheba? Find yourself a picnic blanket, Your Highness.
• Music: Here I refuse to compromise. I will have that ABBA cover band, Bjorn Again, or I will not get married. That's a deal-breaker, ladies.

Total cost: $14.95. 

Notice I didn't include invitations in that list. That's because THIS IS YOUR INVITATION! OCTOBER 18, AMISH TOWN, TURN LEFT AT EZEKIEL STOLTZFUS' FARM AND DRIVE TWO MILES! IF YOU PASS THE OLD FENCE POST YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR! RSVP IN THE COMMENTS!!

SEE YOU THEN!!!!

*People say the same thing will happen re: babies when I turn 30, no matter how much I insist that I don't want any tiny humans around or inside my person. "You'll see," they say. Somehow my argument of YOU DON'T KNOW ME is strangely ineffective against their knowing smiles.
**And apparently we’re only inviting people from the 40's. 

Image via Theatre of Fashion.