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It's gross.
But what's not gross is all the food I've been shoveling down my gullet -- pizza, prime rib, hummus and pretzels, bagels smothered in cream cheese, chocolate, more chocolate, cinnamon rolls, white Russians, even more chocolate. And that was just lunch.
I would make some flippant remark about the wedding diet starting at New Year's, but let's be honest: Over the next year I'll probably go to a couple yoga classes, make a few half-hearted attempts at a diet, and then realize around September that I somehow failed to lose those extra five pounds. I'll feel bad for about five minutes, then decide that since I've neglected it for that long, I might as well give up entirely and eat some more cheese.
Anyway. Merry Christmas from 10 Cent Dowry.
Image via Fifties Wedding.
Since stressful travel and overfilled planes with the inevitable obese and coughing passengers was less enticing than staying warm and content at your home with the hopes of a white Christmas, I didn't get a chance to give you a gift so I am providing a small Christmas token by way of your blog... Except this one's just for Bill.
ReplyDeleteDear Future Brother-in-Law,
Although I'm sure you have gotten to know Carrie on a deep and personal level there are inevitably some aspects about her you may have missed. Enter sisterly insight.
At some point she may acquire a whole dining set of plates and cups and silverware in her room. Or she may decide that she likes shaking out the clothes retrieved from the ground instead of having them folded nicely. Totally fine while she was single but now that you will be sharing a room, Janet and I will need to impart upon you the secret of magic hands (no, not like that, geez).
Let me preface by telling you that magic hands are a secret, Carrie still doesn't know. This is how they work:
1. Tell Carrie it's time to play a game.
2. Stuff Carrie under the bed.
3. Tell her to close her eyes but you know she doesn't actually do it.
4. Now's your chance to finally clean your bedroom because Carrie won't be pulling out everything you just put away.
5. Run by the bed occasionally and wiggle your hands so she can see them under the bed while making a ghostly "ooooo" sound (don't worry she won't know magic hands aren't real even though she sees your feet too).
6. When everything is clean, pull Carrie out and mystify her with the powers of the magic hands.
7. Finally get to continue your day.
And as long as Carrie no longer needs to receive one chocolate chip to entice her to successfully make it to the big girl potty, you two should be good to go.
Now that the wisdom has been imparted, your love for each other can grow and know no bounds. Welcome to the family Bill - good luck.