Sweating for the Wedding

Welp, I've been engaged for three weeks now and so far nobody has dropped any subtle hints about a wedding diet. And really, why would they? I have a fantastic bod.* So what if I get winded getting out of the car? When you look this good, people say, "BMI? Try Be-MIne."**

Self-portrait, c. August 2014.

However, I won't deny that getting married is good motivation to act a little more grown-up and do all the things I keep meaning to, like get in shape and replace my toxic-smelling mascara and buy jeans that don't have an ink stain on the knee. I'm embarking on a new phase of life now; I want to live a long and healthy life with my future husband. Plus, in less than a year I will be on display in front of a hundred friends and family members, some of whom haven't seen me in years. What better time to indulge my vanity and set laughably unrealistic goals for myself?

[Full disclosure: As I type I am eating day-old fried chip-things left over from last night's Chinese takeout. So, good for me! It's an improvement over my usual afternoon snack - clumps of brown sugar!]

So stay tuned for workout routines, beauty tips, and updates on my struggles as I:

• Try to run
• Learn to put on eyeliner
• Refuse to sleep until I find the perfect lipstick
• Confront my demons
• Figure out what a thigh gap is
• Use my thigh gap to measure my worth
• Take up smoking to deal with the stress
• Eat nothing but grapefruit and dry salads for three days
• Walk into Five Guys on the fourth day and say, "Give me all the burgers and fries you have."
• Hide six boxes of donuts in my car
• Start a campaign to officially expand the definition of "vegetable" to include blue cheese
• Sob into a pan of bacon
• Maybe try out Pure Barre?

Here's to being healthy and beautiful, inside and out!


*Compared to a hobbit.
**Really, they say that. Seriously.


Image via Where is Pierre?