Alternatives to Bouquets

After two hours spent looking at options for flowers last night, I threw up my hands, lolled about on the floor, and shouted, "Can't I just carry a cocktail down the aisle?"

Someone has her priorities in order.

The answer, of course, is that I can. It's my wedding day. If there is ever a time to do whatever I want, it's my wedding day. But I eventually decided it might be a bit much to slink up the aisle with a Manhattan on my arm, so instead, here is a list of Non-Floral Alternatives to Bouquets That Do Not Include Brooches Because Those are Totally Played Out and Also They Look Super Heavy:


1.   Food

I haven't ruled this out for our wedding, which should surprise no one, considering how much I talk about cheese. Food offers so many options - lollipops, bread sticks, fruit-on-a-stick, cotton candy, shish kebabs, shrimp cocktail - but I'm partial to this lovely bacon bouquet, or bouquon, as I've decided to call it. From far away it looks like a normal bouquet of roses, but then the smell hits and suddenly everyone's all pumped about the bouquet toss.


2.   Shotgun

Who says you need an overbearing male relative to hold a shotgun at your wedding? You're a strong, independent woman who can threaten her own man. Don't let anyone tell you differently.


3.   PUPPIES.

 

This one needs no explanation. 

4.   Sledgehammer of Democracy

Picture it: You're sprinting up the aisle, the wind rushing past your 'do and your tiny, orange track shorts. The strength of your moral rectitude courses through your veins as you wield the sledgehammer over your head and then turn once -- twice -- and let it fly! You will be sued by the bridesmaid who catches it,* but throughout the litigation you can be satisfied with the unparalleled drama of your grand entrance.

5.   Mr. Frodo

You can't carry the ring, but you can carry him.




*In the back of the head.


Images: 1/2/3/4/5/6

Sweating for the Wedding

Welp, I've been engaged for three weeks now and so far nobody has dropped any subtle hints about a wedding diet. And really, why would they? I have a fantastic bod.* So what if I get winded getting out of the car? When you look this good, people say, "BMI? Try Be-MIne."**

Self-portrait, c. August 2014.

However, I won't deny that getting married is good motivation to act a little more grown-up and do all the things I keep meaning to, like get in shape and replace my toxic-smelling mascara and buy jeans that don't have an ink stain on the knee. I'm embarking on a new phase of life now; I want to live a long and healthy life with my future husband. Plus, in less than a year I will be on display in front of a hundred friends and family members, some of whom haven't seen me in years. What better time to indulge my vanity and set laughably unrealistic goals for myself?

[Full disclosure: As I type I am eating day-old fried chip-things left over from last night's Chinese takeout. So, good for me! It's an improvement over my usual afternoon snack - clumps of brown sugar!]

So stay tuned for workout routines, beauty tips, and updates on my struggles as I:

• Try to run
• Learn to put on eyeliner
• Refuse to sleep until I find the perfect lipstick
• Confront my demons
• Figure out what a thigh gap is
• Use my thigh gap to measure my worth
• Take up smoking to deal with the stress
• Eat nothing but grapefruit and dry salads for three days
• Walk into Five Guys on the fourth day and say, "Give me all the burgers and fries you have."
• Hide six boxes of donuts in my car
• Start a campaign to officially expand the definition of "vegetable" to include blue cheese
• Sob into a pan of bacon
• Maybe try out Pure Barre?

Here's to being healthy and beautiful, inside and out!


*Compared to a hobbit.
**Really, they say that. Seriously.


Image via Where is Pierre?