After months of trying out different products and remedies in my ongoing quest to look fresh and dewy as a summer morn, I would like to pass on my wisdom to you:
Wear yer dang sunscreen. Every day. I don't care if you're going outside or not, little missy. I worry every single day that there's skin cancer a-brewin' beneath this flawless facade, because I spent my youth in sunny California and only wore sunscreen sporadically. If I'd listened to my mother I'd be sittin' pretty with porcelain skin and nary a freckle in sight. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, DEAR LITTLE ONES.
Auntie Carrie Recommends: Zinc oxide. Yes, you'll look like a clown ghost, but you'll be the one laughing when you're eighty years old and have the skin of a toddler.
Drink yer dang water. If I've learned anything, it's that your skin is shriveling every second of every day. Our fate as humans is to shrinkle (that is, wrinkle and shrink) into tiny raisin-people. Such is nature, and she is cruel. You can fight your destiny, slow its progress with creams and retinoids, but you can never fully stop it. So you might as well just drink water because it plumps your skin up a little bit and also keeps you from getting headaches and hangovers.
Auntie Carrie Recommends: A fresh woodland stream. Or a Brita filter.
Grow yer dang hair out. Then cut it off. Make a long wig. Now you can do whatever you want to the remaining hair on your head: cut it, dye it, give it a perm. Experiment all you like; if you make a misstep, just slap on the wig and nobody will know the difference.
Auntie Carrie Recommends: Scissors + this course
All cosmetics have ridiculously long names. Seriously, it's crazy.
Auntie Carrie Recommends: Shorten yer names. That foundation isn't a member of the Hungarian royal family.
You will never find the perfect lipstick/primer/eye shadow/blush. As soon as you find one you sorta-kinda-maybe like, it will either be discontinued, reformulated, or found to cause cancer and the night blindness.
Auntie Carrie Recommends: Acceptance. Mourn that perfect lipstick and move on. We all must leave this world sometime, and makeup is no different. C'est la vie.
Image via Daly Beauty.
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