IT'S JANUARY 2ND, LADIES. TIME TO GET BUNS OF STEEL!
Every bride wants her guests to talk about how happy and in love she looks on her wedding day, right?
WRONG. The only comments a woman wants to hear when she walks down the aisle are "Did you see her calves?" and "Look! No arm jiggle!" and "Damn, girl. DAT ASS."
A fabulous body starts in the kitchen, so go in there right now and throw out all your food. All of it. You don't need it anymore. Jog to the store and buy SlimFast. Buy a whole crate. Jog home with it. Faster. Faster!
Now that you've eliminated extraneous caloric intake, you're ready to start a killer workout regimen. Start out with a fourteen-mile warm-up run, then perform the following exercises to blast those problem areas:
Tummy Tree Huggers
Whittle your waist with side hugs. Practice outside with a tree to work on your tan while you exercise!
1. Stand with the tree on your right side, two feet away from you, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Stretch both arms out to the side and lean from the waist toward the tree.
3. Wrap your arm around the tree. Smile for the imaginary camera. Say, "We're so glad you could make it! Did you try the canapes?" Return to start.
4. Perform 80 reps each side.
Bending Over Backwards
Work your core and strengthen your back with the medicine ball toss. Great practice for the bouquet!
1. Squat with feet shoulder width apart. Hold medicine ball at chest height, arms straight.
2. With one quick motion, hoist the medicine ball over your head and throw it as far as you can behind you.*
*Note: For safety purposes, make sure nothing is in back of you and call out, "Catch, bitches!" before you toss.
Walking on Egg Shells
Tone legs and calves without bulking up. We're not going for thunder thighs, ladies!
1. Crack five dozen eggs in half, discard the insides, and line the shells up on the floor in the shape of a spiral with the domes facing up.
2. On tiptoe, walk along the shells and mentally prepare yourself for the dance of trying not to offend a hundred different people with the cut of your dress, the wording of your vows, or the color of the tablecloths.
3. If you crack any of the shells, your marriage will have fifty years bad luck.
Wave(rs) Good-Bye
Slim down and firm up those arms. If you have bat wings, your fiance will stop loving you.
1. Hoist the weight of all the expectations of society, your family, your ancestors, and strangers on the internet over your head. Hold for the rest of your life.
2. Cry softly in the shower.
Repeat these exercises three times a day until your wedding and you'll be looking great for the big day! If you're having trouble staying motivated, just remember that once you say "I do," you'll never have to diet again. Now, isn't that worth getting married?
Image via The Daily Mail.
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