Updates

1) We have a ceremony venue! It's the same place we're having the reception, so for all of you lazy-bones who heard tell that we wanted to parade from the ceremony to the reception and had to feign excitement over the prospect of extra walking, you're welcome. We met with our wonderful, fabulous, amazing venue organizer person/nicest human being on Saturday. His name also happens to be Bill.

EVERY OPTION FOR AN OUTSIDE CEREMONY SPOT HAS FALLEN THROUGH, was the gist of the email we had sent him. CAN YOU HELP US?!

"Yep, no problem," was the gist of his breezy reply. "You wanna stick around for a concert later featuring the European champion of looping and also Kopecky? I'll putcha on the guest list fo' free."

YES PLEASE, we said. YOU ARE THE NICEST.

2) Also during our meeting he confirmed that we wanted to rent the place until "11? 12? We won't kick you out. At least, not until we close." My face was a blank, which I'm sure seemed like a strange reaction to the whole timeline question. But really I was getting irrationally excited about the fact that we could put "Time: 5:00-?" on our wedding invitations.

3) We sent the invitations off to be printed! They have less of the refined elegance associated with weddings and more of the youthful exuberance you'd find on a child's first birthday party invitation. But that's how we feel about getting married. It's the birthday of our marriage! Come celebrate with us! Put on this party hat and never take it off. 

4) I made a list of all the things we still need to do. There are 37 items on it. I thought that was too many, so I put the list away and am left with the vague sense of unease that to-do lists always give.

5) I forgot to mention it, but a couple weeks ago we got wedding insurance, so the horrific natural disasters and devastating acts of God can just roll on in! We're covered.

"That way, you have it."

6) We watched Eugene Mirman's special on Netflix where he marries a couple onstage, and now I kind of want Thom, our friend/officiant, to make up our vows for us on the spot.

7) Speaking of having a friend officiate, in The Great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, you can only have a friend marry you if they happen to be a judge or a religious leader with an established congregation in Pennsylvania. This may or may not mean that a cult leader could perform the ceremony. However, because we have a whole mess of Quakers here, we can get self-uniting licenses, which, as you might expect, allow couples to marry themselves without an officiant. It's supposed to be reserved just for Quakers, but the people down at the registrar are technically not allowed to ask if you're Quaker or not. So I figure as long as we go in wearing bonnets and holding a container of rolled oats, we'll have no problems.

8) So many people have already responded! I mean, only about fifteen people, but considering we haven't even sent out the invitations, it seems like a lot. I'm humbly chalking this eagerness up to the RSVP flow chart on our website. It's my finest work.

9) I expanded my penny shoe criteria to include all small change. I had failed to take into account that when penny shoes were a thing, shoes cost much less, so you could probably get a decent pair of shoes with a handful of pennies.

10) I've finished the front half of my dress. So basically what I have is a fancy hospital gown.

Hey!

This blog is the #6 result on Google for "auntie shenanigans at wedding"! It comes up beneath "Auntie Jen - Outrageous Pets & Videos," but higher up than "Tea and Scandal - The Good, Bad, and Ugly Truth About Wedding Shenanigans."

What an exciting, enticing title! It really seems like that one should be higher up - at least higher than a Pinterest board called Wedding Shenanigans. So if you'd like to support that page and improve its ranking, click here and scroll down to Tea and Scandal. But then maybe click on this blog too. We can't let Auntie Jen beat us.

Lady

Internet, meet Lady:

She's European.

She lives in the corner of the living room and scares me every time I walk in. Mostly because she's usually dressed like she's waiting for the Great Pumpkin:

But she has been very handy in helping me make my wedding dress, especially considering I show my appreciation by sticking pins in her.

"What an ingrate," she whispers after I cover her up for the night. But one can't be too careful with grooms running all about and peeking at things they aren't supposed to see!

[You know why the groom isn't supposed to see the bride before the wedding? It's not really bad luck - as long as she's pretty. It goes back to arranged marriages. If the groom saw the bride beforehand, they ran the risk of him not liking what he saw. What a fun time to be a wedding guest! You get to watch the groom's reaction when he lifts the veil up and sees her for the first time...the horror and disappointment...we should bring that back.]

Here's what I have learned so far while making a wedding dress -

 - or -  

What I've Learned from Lady (Part I)

1. Making a prom dress and two questionable skirts does not qualify me to sew a wedding dress. But has that stopped me? No! Lesson learned: Blind confidence! 
2. Eventually, I had to stop changing my mind about fabrics and styles and just sew the freaking thing. Lesson learned: Decisiveness!
3. This is a very special dress, but it's just one of the many fabulous dresses I will wear in my life. Even if this isn't the best one, I can still say, "Hey, remember that time I got married and wore that crazy dress I made myself?" What a fun thing to remember! Lesson learned: Perspective!
4. Measure twice, cut once. Lesson learned: Platitudes!
5. A stylish hat gives any outfit a special dash of pizzazz! Plus it helps detract from your lack of a head. Also - you don't need two arms to pull off a great look! Lesson learned: Fashion sense!

How To Plan a Wedding in 10 Days

We're under 90 days. Three months away. I'm tired of planning and want to have everything set so I can lounge about in a negligee with cold cream on my face, making long calls on my pink rotary phone and batting my eyelashes at the ring on my left hand with a dreamy smile. This is all I want out of being engaged. But the only way I can achieve that is by being VERY PRODUCTIVE.

Preach, Teddy.

On the drive back from 4th of July weekend in New Jersey, we efficiently planned all remaining details, and over the past week and a half, we've started putting our plans into action! We purchased wedding insurance! We ordered hundreds of wildflowers AND some glass milk bottle vases to put them in! We picked a place for the rehearsal dinner that looks like Hogwarts! We decided the rings we ordered are just fine! The playlist is down to nine and half hours of music, I bought the fabric for my dress and another pair of shoes, and we booked our mini honeymoon in Philadelphia, the Paris of Eastern Pennsylvania.

BUT THERE IS STILL MUCH TO BE DONE. 

For instance, we still have to book the ceremony spot. Officially. It's becoming a problem. We can't print the invitations until we have a location to put on them. 

OR--!

Maybe we should just tell everyone a place to meet, like the hotel lobby or a fallow field or a shallow grave, and then we give them a series of clues that will send them all over downtown Lancaster - and if they want to maybe pick up some extra ice and napkins along the way, we wouldn't say no - until finally they reach the ceremony spot, which, let's be honest, we'll probably find minutes before the ceremony actually starts. 

Sounds fun to me.

Auntie Carrie Answers: Bingo!

Auntie Carrie is always here to listen. Don't trust any advice Mittens gives you, though. She's on meth.

Auntie Carrie is always looking for ways to make life a little more zesty. I keep a folder labeled "SHENANIGANS" in the bottom drawer of my filing cabinet, and there I keep all my fun holiday recipes and magazine clippings from Cosmo about keeping things fresh 'n' funky in the boudoir.

The other day I read an article on The Buzzfeed about bridal showers and how tired and cliche they can be. "O-ho!" I thought. While I don't believe there's anything quite like an afternoon of sipping tea and watching a blushing young bride-to-be unwrap the tools with which she will keep her future house, I guess I understand where the young people are coming from. Bridal showers could stand to receive a fun 'n' fresh makeover. "And I know just the thing to liven up a tired old shower," I said to Mittens. 

Bingo!

Mittens hissed at me and lunged claws-first toward my neck, but I quickly dodged her and set to work making a mock-up. I filled the squares in with phrases like "Happy Couple," "The Big Day," and "So when are you having kids?" Guests mark a space if someone tears up or makes a wedding night innuendo, if they spot a jealous bridesmaid or hear a joke about shotgun weddings. Free Space is the toilet paper wedding dress game. 

Once I finished, I logged on to my AOL and typed in a search to see what kind of demand there was for this sort of game. To my dismay, I found that Bridal Shower Bingo already exists:

$7.95 for 60 CARDS on Etsy. Don't miss out!

But it's only about gifts! Now, why would anyone want a game of bingo confined solely to the gift-opening portion of a shower when they could have a game that lasts for the entire party? It doesn't make any sense!

"Mittens," I said, "this game is shallow and pedantic. Where's the zest, Mittens? Where's the zest? I'd like to see what The Buzzfeed has to say about it." 

So I wrote to the editor of The Buzzfeed to see if they would feature it in their next edition, perhaps setting the two versions side by side for a biting compare-and-contrast segment, but I've yet to receive a response, which either means the editor is supremely rude or the mailman is using our letters to wallpaper his shed again. 

In any case, if you would like a copy of my Fresh 'N' Funky Bridal Shower Bingo, please send me an electronic mail c/o: 

auntiecarrieanswers@gmail.com

Lancaster, PA 17603

Until next time!

Your faithful servant, 

Auntie Carrie

Image via The Telegraph.

Give Up Now

No one will ever look cooler leaving their wedding than these two jerks.

You've ruined this for everyone.

Image by Ashley Kickliter, via Ruffled.