Tips for Getting Engaged

Yesterday, I assure you, I had no intention of being proposed to. So you can imagine my embarrassment when I woke up this morning quite engaged.

"Oh, how awkward!" they all said.

As I wouldn't want anyone to end up in a similarly uncomfortable situation, I've assembled a list of helpful tips for any eligible young persons who may wonder how to behave should they find themselves on the receiving end of a proposal.

For simplicity's sake, let's pretend the asker's name is Bill.*

1. Be a tremendous grump the entire week leading up to the proposal. Since you won't know when the proposal will happen, you should probably be grumpy all the time, just to be on the safe side. 
2. Since Bill has been working so much lately, selflessly offer to postpone your fall drive so he can relax on Saturday. Don't suspect anything when he responds with, "NO. WE CAN'T POSTPONE IT."
3. Also don't suspect anything when he says he's taking you out to lunch but won't tell you where.
4. When Bill suggests you wear a polka dot dress, complain about having to shave your legs. Decide to wear jeans instead. 
5. JEANS?! Are you kidding me? What, did you think you weren't getting engaged today? You might as well wear old tennis shoes and an oversized sweater and no makeup, too. Really go for that Hobo Goes to LL Bean look. You FOOL!
6. Have a lovely drive. Take many blurry pictures of the fall foliage. 
7. When an ad plays for Longwood Gardens, say, "Are we going there?" You are. Sit back and smugly think you've figured out all the surprises for the day, you clever thing, you. 
8. Spend an hour or two walking around looking at all the plants and flowers and ponds. Have a delightful time. Don't notice that Bill keeps his hand in his left pocket the entire time.
9. Walk down a secluded path.
10. Suspect nothing. Still.
11. When Bill gets down on one knee and asks you to marry him, zone out for a moment to wish you'd worn the polka dot dress.
12. Completely lose your head. Shout, "Oh my god, oh my god--yes, yes, yes!" Then lose all memory of walking a hundred yards as he tells you about his great-grandmother whose ring you're now wearing. 
13. Wildly regret not thinking of a more original response in advance - WHY DIDN'T YOU PREPARE FOR THIS MOMENT?! 
14. REALLY?! JEEEANS?!!
15. Sit down on a bench.
16. Cry.
17. Feel nauseous as Bill tells you nice things about yourself.
18. Consider whether you have inappropriate affect disorder.
19. Start laughing. 
20. Shout, "I am on a roller coaster of emotions!"
21. Cry more.

Well done! Now that you are successfully engaged, feel free to tell everyone you know and use your ring to get free stuff. And smile for days.

*Your name can be anything you want, but might I suggest Tootlebottom?



Image via Kaleidoscope.