Wedding Planning Vows

We have officially started planning our wedding! Which really means we made a list of all the things we know we want: trampolines, Korean Johnny Cash, a chorus of frogs performing our first dance song, a high-wire as the aisle with crocodiles chomping underneath. Also a bed of hot coals to walk across - it's always nice to have something for kids to do at a wedding.

This wedding has EVERYTHING.

But even though we agreed on the big, important things like roasting a mermaid for the fish course, things got a little dicey over centerpiece talk. Not because he or I particularly care about the centerpieces, but because we have different taste in flowers, and for some reason that upset me.

...I know. Centerpieces.

Really I was bummed because I want Bill to help plan, but no little girl dreams about coming to a rational compromise on wedding details. It took a minute to realize that our ideas combined would make a way better wedding than just one person's. If we only used Bill's ideas the wedding would have a feast of foods from around the world and no chairs and weird, prickly flowers all over. Which is an okay start, but then I'll add a gospel choir and Soul Train-type aisle and peonies and...you know, chairs...and the result will be so much better.

So to make the year(s) of planning as enjoyable as possible, here are my Wedding Planning Vows:

1. I will devote more energy to our marriage than to our wedding, but I'll devote the most energy to singing songs from Winnie the Pooh while you're trying to fall asleep;
2. I will try not to be too sensitive when you don't like the same things I like, and instead chalk it up to bad different taste;
3. I will endeavor to remember that it just doesn't matter when escort cards seem like the be-all and end-all of our wedding;
4. I will keep my priorities in order: ceremony first, then life-size cheese carving of our heads;
5. I will keep the craft projects down to a minimum, for everyone's sake;
6. I will definitely try to trick you into agreeing to ridiculous ideas;
7. I will not ask you open-ended questions like "What do you like?" and instead will show you pictures of things for you to approve or veto;
8. I will not expect you to know the proper etiquette for addressing invitations off the top of your head; 
9. I will make you write out your own Wedding Planning Vows; and
10. I will keep in mind that opinions are like assholes: not to be touched.
    
    ...Or something.

Image via The Daily Beast.

Introductions

Hi there.

I wanted to write a little bit about us, told in third person. Not enough information that you can find where we live and stop by for dinner with our favorite bottle of wine, but enough that you can be in on the jokes. And maybe stop by for dinner with our favorite dessert.

Bill grew up in the suburbs of New Jersey and managed to avoid getting shot despite living less than half an hour from Newark. From these humble beginnings, he made his way to Ohio, and from there to Lancaster, Pennsylvania where he has finally found a safe place to share his true self with people like him -- people who have a genuine interest in ancient coins. With this support, he doesn't have to hide his love of coins for fear of being beat up and called a nerd. Here he can celebrate this love and catalog coins in peace all the day long. Bill once spent three weeks canoeing across Canada. He's recently taken up biking and seems to really enjoy it, although probably not enough to spend three weeks biking across Canada. What he wants more than anything is a garden to putter in. He also has a magnificent beard.

Carrie was a simple girl, small of stature and stout of heart, who spent her youth roaming the foothills  and beaches of Southern California. As a babe she was swaddled in a tortilla and rocked to sleep by the Tapatio man. She spent much of her childhood watching old musicals and The Lawrence Welk Show and briefly played the ukulele in an indie band. To her dismay, they were never featured on Lawrence Welk, as the show had been cancelled 26 years previously. Although shy at first, once you get to know her you'll find out she's still shy. She often wakes Bill up late at night to reassure her that her throat feels weird because of allergies, not because it's closing up. She loves cheese. So much. Seriously, maybe too much. Her greatest ambition is to write something so funny and moving that you laugh and cry at the same time, but without realizing it until your shirt is all wet and the lady across the aisle on the train tells her children to stop staring.

They met in college, a tiny liberal arts school in Ohio. He was a junior when she was a freshman, and she was auditioning for the college improv group. She made it in, luckily - otherwise this story might have a very different ending. However, they didn't start dating until after he graduated and was already living in Pennsylvania. After school, she moved back home to California and taught kindergarten for a year before realizing she doesn't like children that much. Fortunately, she does love the Amish (and Bill), so moving to Lancaster in 2012 was a great call.

They like laughing and eating, but not at the same time because that's how you get banned from Olive Garden. They like to play games, but not with each other for the sake of their relationship. Their main argument is about whether slant rhyme should count in a rhyming game. They've nearly come to blows on this matter several times. They're planning a shenanigan-filled wedding for the fall.

And in case you were wondering, Bill's favorite dessert is strawberry rhubarb pie. Carrie prefers lemon meringue, although she wouldn't say no to...pretty much anything else. Stop by for dinner sometime.

We'll save a plate for you.

Image by George Marks via NPR.

Tips for Getting Engaged

Yesterday, I assure you, I had no intention of being proposed to. So you can imagine my embarrassment when I woke up this morning quite engaged.

"Oh, how awkward!" they all said.

As I wouldn't want anyone to end up in a similarly uncomfortable situation, I've assembled a list of helpful tips for any eligible young persons who may wonder how to behave should they find themselves on the receiving end of a proposal.

For simplicity's sake, let's pretend the asker's name is Bill.*

1. Be a tremendous grump the entire week leading up to the proposal. Since you won't know when the proposal will happen, you should probably be grumpy all the time, just to be on the safe side. 
2. Since Bill has been working so much lately, selflessly offer to postpone your fall drive so he can relax on Saturday. Don't suspect anything when he responds with, "NO. WE CAN'T POSTPONE IT."
3. Also don't suspect anything when he says he's taking you out to lunch but won't tell you where.
4. When Bill suggests you wear a polka dot dress, complain about having to shave your legs. Decide to wear jeans instead. 
5. JEANS?! Are you kidding me? What, did you think you weren't getting engaged today? You might as well wear old tennis shoes and an oversized sweater and no makeup, too. Really go for that Hobo Goes to LL Bean look. You FOOL!
6. Have a lovely drive. Take many blurry pictures of the fall foliage. 
7. When an ad plays for Longwood Gardens, say, "Are we going there?" You are. Sit back and smugly think you've figured out all the surprises for the day, you clever thing, you. 
8. Spend an hour or two walking around looking at all the plants and flowers and ponds. Have a delightful time. Don't notice that Bill keeps his hand in his left pocket the entire time.
9. Walk down a secluded path.
10. Suspect nothing. Still.
11. When Bill gets down on one knee and asks you to marry him, zone out for a moment to wish you'd worn the polka dot dress.
12. Completely lose your head. Shout, "Oh my god, oh my god--yes, yes, yes!" Then lose all memory of walking a hundred yards as he tells you about his great-grandmother whose ring you're now wearing. 
13. Wildly regret not thinking of a more original response in advance - WHY DIDN'T YOU PREPARE FOR THIS MOMENT?! 
14. REALLY?! JEEEANS?!!
15. Sit down on a bench.
16. Cry.
17. Feel nauseous as Bill tells you nice things about yourself.
18. Consider whether you have inappropriate affect disorder.
19. Start laughing. 
20. Shout, "I am on a roller coaster of emotions!"
21. Cry more.

Well done! Now that you are successfully engaged, feel free to tell everyone you know and use your ring to get free stuff. And smile for days.

*Your name can be anything you want, but might I suggest Tootlebottom?



Image via Kaleidoscope.